Don’t Anger the Gods

I flunked a character test last week, and paid for it almost immediately.

I was at my gate at Portland International Airport, waiting to board a flight to Dallas.

Pre-boarding had started — passengers needing assistance could get on early. An American Airlines gate agent noticed my sunflower lanyard and waved me toward the line. “You can go ahead and board now.”

The sunflower lanyard signals to airport workers that the wearer has a hidden disability and might need assistance. Most of the time I don’t need any help, but I wear the lanyard in case things go unexpectedly south.

At the time of the offer, I was fine. Early boarding is for people who need help or extra time, and I didn’t need either.

My momma raised me right, and I knew better. The correct response was, “No thanks, I’ll wait for my group.”

But there was another voice speaking in my other ear.

Google Gemini

The voice reminded me I usually board with the cattle. Here was a chance to get seated before even the “pinkies out” crowd in First Class. It wouldn’t hurt anyone if I quietly got on with the extra-help people.

I got on the plane with the extra-help people.

The Travel Gods took note.

Three mythological gods wielding lightning attacking a fleeing man on rocky terrain

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My seat was on the aisle. 11 D. Across the aisle from me was a woman in her 70’s, sitting in the middle seat — 11B. I’d seen her on the jetway in a wheelchair.

As the aircraft began to fill in, another passenger showed up with a ticket for 11B — Wheelchair Lady was in the wrong seat. She belonged in the middle seat next to me.

She attempted, unsuccessfully, to stand up. She tried again. On her third attempt she got to her feet and slowly made her way over to my side.

She asked if she could have the aisle.

I always buy an aisle seat so I can stand up to stretch a chronically sore back. And at 66, I appreciate unfettered access to the bathroom.

I could have held my ground. But this was playing out in front the whole plane. I’d be That Guy Who Told A Disabled Lady To Sit In The Middle.

Plus, I’d already angered the Gods by boarding early. This was the penalty they’d imposed. It was time to pay it.

I caved and moved to the middle seat. As I watched her slowly settle into my aisle seat, I realized I wouldn’t be getting up for the next four and a half hours.

For the next four and a half hours, I thought about my aching back. I thought about my slowly-filling bladder. I wondered whether I’d be able to get past that woman and off the plane in case of a emergency. (Not a chance.)

After my ordeal had ended, my wife said my decision didn’t make any difference. I’d have wound up in the middle seat even if I’d boarded properly — Wheelchair Lady had the same ticket either way. And perhaps that’s true.

Or perhaps Wheelchair Lady didn’t exist until I decided to board early — the Travel Gods created her to torture me as I skipped happily down the jetway.

You will never convince me otherwise.

EPILOGUE

Three days later it was time to head home. As my return flight began its boarding process, I was gate-checking a bag. The gate agent saw my lanyard, and suggested I pre-board early.

“No, thanks,” I said. “I’ll wait for my group.”

Another Potential Parkinson’s Cause: Road Noise

A newly-released Danish study indicates that long-term exposure to road noise may be a significant risk factor for Parkinson’s Disease. Researchers followed over 3 million adults for 13 years, and concluded that:

…people with a quiet facade had a lower risk of developing Parkinson’s disease than those whose homes were exposed to high levels of noise on all sides, the researchers found. A difference of 10 dB or more between the most and least exposed facades was associated with a decline in Parkinson’s risk across different levels of traffic noise above 50 dB, [the researchers] wrote in JAMA Neurology.

…Epidemiological data supporting a causal link between environmental noise and Parkinson’s have been scarce, but the biological plausibility of this association is “reinforced by evidence suggesting that excess noise can disrupt circadian rhythms and trigger neuroinflammatory pathways, which are implicated in Parkinson’s disease pathogenesis,” they wrote.

So to the list of environmental hazards to be avoided — air pollution, pesticides, cleaning solvents, and, of course, golf courses — we can add traffic noise.

Thank you to Loyal Reader Rob for bringing this to my attention.

AI DISCLOSURE

The images in this post were created or, um, enhanced by AI.

Every word of the text was written by a human being, Phil Bernstein. The text was copy-edited by two human beings — PDX Knitterati and Loyal Reader Vickie.

You should probably know that I did some writing after they looked at this post. So if there’s an egregious grammatical error or something that offends you, there’s a pretty good chance they didn’t see it.

Bonus for Those Who Read to the Bottom

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I was recently introduced to the “Muppet Rap Video” genre. I like it a great deal. This Beastie Boys film, to my eyes, is a particularly impressive achievement — and please note it was created at least nine years ago, so there’s no AI.

Once the YouTube algorithm knew I liked Muppet rap videos, it started serving me more of ’em. This one makes me smile broadly.

Earlier this month, Bruce Foxton, bass player for the great English punk group The Jam, announced he’d been diagnosed with Parkinson’s. I got to see The Jam live only once, in 1978 at a little club in Granite City, Illinois. The performance looked and sounded something like this.

A few days ago, Carly Simon also announced she has Parkinson’s. I was never a huge Carly Simon fan, but I’ve always liked “You’re So Vain,” a song so good it works in multiple musical styles. For example, it it sounds good with a Latin beat.